Saturday, July 25, 2009

speak no evil

I have always been a big mouth. When I was little I just didn't know any better. I had embarrassed my parents many, many, many a times. My mom would tell me later in life some of the appalling things I would say. We laughed when she would look back and tell me but the embarrassment at the time she would explain was awful. I don't know why I never learned to shut my mouth. I always want to say something. I regret opening my mouth a lot. I try real hard to think before I speak but I fail a lot. My husband is very quiet. He could totally be a secret agent and no one would know because he would never say. I want so much to be more like him but not so extreme I suppose.

I digress....I never thought I would completely understand my parents terror of having a chatty daughter until I had two of my own. Maybe my mother wished it upon me or maybe it is karma. I am not sure. When I speak directly to my kids they can not remember but I mention something that was not meant for their ears, assuming they are busy and not listening, but actually they are hanging on every word to tell anyone who will listen later. It has been small things like telling someone our financial situation or going all out to my brothers girlfriend about how she needs to marry my brother.

I am almost 29 and still learning to keep my mouth shut. Some thoughts need to just be thoughts. Especially the ones about the hoser in the car ahead of me who is "slow like my mom but she died". Oh dear that was an awful one to hear quoted back to me. As my new year draws near my birthday wish will be that I can be more mindful of what I say and who is near by.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Summer fun

So today we were invited by a friend to go to a free movie in Fairfield at the free family film festival. Today's choice was Veggie Tales the Pirates who don't do anything or the Bee movie. We own the Bee movie so we went and saw The pirates who don't do anything. Very enjoyable. I do sure love a Veggie tales movie. Then thwe girls and i grabbed a little bit to eat (the girls a very little bit to eat) at fresh choice. Then we decided it was a perfect day for the jelly belly factory. It is free air conditioned and you get a free bag of jelly belly's at the end. Plus these goofy hats!

We had a great time so did Audrey and she was pretty good about wearing her hat. It is a great time little movies and windows over looking the factory. Pretty cool i think. I really enjoy the pretty colors. They don't allow a lot of photography but I did get these shots! Then we went downstairs to the shop and looked around it is crazy we wanted to get so much stuff. Instead we found this....

I do not remember all of what is in it...I think chocolate chips, almonds, peanuts and lots more. We didn't eat it yet because we want to show dad and they didn't eat their lunch! (I'm hardcore like that) It is a cupcake looking fudge! We had a great time!

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

funk that

Today dumped all over me...I say funk that! (I would really like to be able to make a collage of my favorite things and post it but I have not learned how to do that yet. Something to aspire to.) I will be happy instead.
I love conversation. I love to drive with my husband and talk about nothing and everything. I like to sit in the kitchen and converse. I like to talk to my brothers. I like to talk to smart people and old people. I love stories.
I love pictures. I like to try to take nice pictures. I like to try to take pictures of food. I like to bake and take pictures of what I tried to make. I love to look at pictures. I like to make up stories with pictures.
I love to read. I never find time to do it but I love it. I want to know more. I want to be smart.
I love to exercise. I like to put some music on and go to town. I could workout for hours with some good music or good conversation which is hard when you are working out hard ;)
I love my husbands face. I love my kids faces. I could stare at them all day.
I like tea and movies with popcorn. Old movies new movies kid movies. I like to watch foreign movies too. I like to play video games.
I love long walks. Really long ones on pretty days. Or days with fog. I love hooded sweatshirts on foggy days. I love fog! It is just so pretty. I love colorful leaves.

well thank you. I love lots more things but my mood is softening I think I can go rejoin the family. Maybe with some tea and a movie.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

a reason to smile

This is my favorite person in the world. That smile on his face is reserved for me. When he looks at me this is the smile i get. This smile is why I smile. the sweet face next to him is also why I smile.

These two are why there are tears in my smiles. I still smile when I see pictures of them or think of them but there are also tears in those smiles.

This is where i go when i need laughs. good loud belly laughs. When I get sad and can't take it i go to these faces. Smiles that bring good ab firming laughs!

I say thanks to all the things that make me smile but today these are my highlights. and to my highlights i say thank you! =D

Inner demons exposed

I have a friend from a few years ago who I instantly adored. I loved everything about her. through the magic of facebook I was able to be reunited with her. She has a blog that I now follow and find it comforting and inspiring. Today I was catching up on my google reader and found a series of posts she had about inner demons. She posted them so she could confront them and then try to change them. This will be hard for me as I hate for anyone to know the real i go anyway....

basically you suck

You are not pretty...even though your husband says you are you are not. No one else thinks you are pretty either. go look in the mirror you will see.

you are a bad mom. your daughter shakes because of nerves and sucks her fingers almost into her teens due to nerves. If she felt loved and adored for who she is she wouldn't need her fingers or her tics.

you are a awful person. you are too clingy. you don't want to be around anyone and you judge everyone afraid because they are judging you. you are too sensitive. But not enough compassionate. you are a awful friend and terrible sister and you were an awful daughter. you are why your dad didn't want to try.

All the time my poor husband has to tell me otherwise and i try so very hard to believe him. but these thoughts are always here haunting me reminding me i am not good enough or worthy of him.

Thank you husband for continuing to help me fight my demons...i will try a little harder to change these thoughts. as i sit here i stare at the publish post sign...i fear that sign...but then again the only one following me is my husband. thanks for your support.